An unnamed named was relaxing at the park and enjoying a hamburger when out of nowhere a militant vegetarian runs up to him and attacks him, sending his burger to the ground, and leaving the man unable to retrieve it without breaking the 5-second-rule. Most of us have been accosted by a vegetarian or a vegan at one point or another, but this guy took it to a whole other level.
A man named Brad Burns witnessed the event.
“I saw the meat man run at the guy full force and knock him off the picnic table. My first instinct was to run because I thought the attacker might be a serial killer, but instead I decided to face my fear and capture the attack on my smartphone. The meat suit guy was yelling ‘meat is murder!’ over and over during the attack. He is obviously another whacko vegetarian. I plan to eat more meat now than ever because of what this freak did.”
Unfortunately, there wasn’t time to call the police before the attacker got away so it’s still not safe to enjoy a burger at the park. The guy that got attacked likely won’t pursue it, since he’s a fugitive in his own right…
“He said he was wanted for train robbery and couldn’t go back to prison because it’s way too scary there. I felt so bad for him losing his hamburger and stuff that I didn’t dial police. Instead, I helped him to his feet and just watched him hobble away. In retrospect, I should have driven the guy to Wendy’s and bought him another hamburger.” said Brad Burns, the man who helped the victim of this cruel and unusual assault.
This isn’t the first time the meat suit vigilante has terrorized the neighborhood.
The internet is a very powerful tool and we can work together to bring justice to scumbags like this. If you have had your own encounter with a crazed vegetarian wearing a suit of meat, leave a comment and let us know. We’ll help catch this madman for the sake of delicious hamburgers everywhere.
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