Abraham Lincoln Was America’s First Shit Talking Pro Wrestler


Trash talking can take you far in life. It can earn you a mansion and a title shot, and it can also earn you the Presidency of the United States of America. Most history classes don’t go into enough detail about what a  true badass Abe Lincoln was, and it’s a shame, because nothing would get kids more excited about history than learning about the mountains of ass that a lot of the old Presidents have kicked. Take Lincoln for example. He’s a Hall of Fame wrestler, with the distinction of “Outstanding American” at the National Wrestling Hall of Fame.


Nobody knows Lincoln’s exact wrestling record, but he was pretty damn good. It’s said to be somewhere around 300 wins with just 1 loss. Once, after winning a match by stunning his opponent with a single toss, he turned to the audience and said…

“I’m the big buck of this lick. If any of you want to try it, come on and whet your horns.”

Obviously, nobody in the crowd was willing to step up to whet their horns against Lincoln after watching him dominate.


His most notable win came against Jack Armstrong, a county wrestling champ. Lincoln had a much longer reach, which frustrated his opponent and caused Armstrong to start stomping on the future Commander in Chief’s feet. That really pissed off ol Abe, who tossed Jack Armstrong a couple of times until he lost consciousness, giving Lincoln the win via KO.


Lincoln probably never struggled with tens.

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